I did a very non-Kaia thing this week and went to a Bible Study. Also, by myself. I have a tendency to do things only when other are doing them. And for the most part, I think life is meant to be shared and that it’s normal to want to do things with other people. But it often gets to the point where it is an unnecessary crutch. But I’ve been better about this, especially in the last several months. So this week I’ve been focusing on that, and putting in some good ole time with the self. It’s scary most of the time when you leave yourself to your own thoughts. But forcing myself to go to Bible Study was just one thing I felt that I wanted to do. And not because it was fuzzy or warm, or comfortable for me. But because it’s not something I would naturally want to do.
I digress. The topic for this study is the idea of comparison, and how it truly is (as Theodore Roosevelt reminded us) “the thief of joy.” Whether we are looking at others things and wishing they were ours (also known as coveting) or looking at others and saying “well at least I’m not like that,” comparing is something that comes so naturally to me. It was a relief to attend the study last night and hear a number of other women express their own struggles when it comes to comparing their lives to the lives of those around them. Thank goodness, I’m in the company of other sinners. Last night was a reminder that even God’s prized possessions are forgetful. We are forgetful that our worth and value comes from one Source and one Source alone.
And it’s silly. We are called by our Father to love him and obey his commands. How sad is it, though, that the majority of my weeks (day in and day out) are spent asking myself “what have you done with yourself this week” or “are you doing as much as you can” or “you could be doing better.” It looks like there needs to be a serious re-orientation. Instead of asking how I compare to others in my love of God, I need to make my love of God and my commitment to his commands the bigger priority.
Because I already know the answers to all of those comparison questions (ie. will I be pretty enough, will I make enough money, will I be a patient enough mother, etc.). When I compare myself to others, they become my idols. But when I remember that Christ is in me and lives through me, I become fully aware that his goodness, his truth, and his beauty shines through me. And that’s something that no human can compare to.